We named him ‘Don’ because it takes the letters from mine and his names.. Deepa and John.. I remember my father-in-law was saying what a name it is.. But we didn’t have enough time to change it.. So it remained as it is.. His baptismic name is ‘Joy’ his paternal grandfather’s name.. So his full name became ‘Don Joy John’..
I remember the time when I first became pregnant.. I was excited just as every mother to be.. This were going normally until the 8th week.. when it showed up in scan that the baby’s growth is not normal.. the fluid was too less.. At first I didn’t feel it’s that much of a problem.. I felt that it’s fine he will grow later on.. But unfortunately I was wrong! When a baby’s growth is not in line with the time it is impossible to bring it back in line! :-(. The baby’s growth should be picture perfect at each stage! And the growth retarding at such an early stage is dangerous.. at later stages it would be atleast fine if not perfect..
The doctors started sounding serious and I started understanding that all was not right.. :-(. I then started wishing for some miracle to take place.. I started praying.. but the condition only deteriorated with each scan.. Now this was beyond my control.. Carrying a baby whom I know is not going to be healthy.. I don’t know what all I did during that time.. doctor asked me to drink lots of water.. I was drinking lots and lots.. but nothing helped.. Still somehow I didn’t want to believe the doctors and felt that everything is going to be normal for my baby.. Maybe it is a mother’s natural feeling.. No matter how unhealthy the child is, to the mother he is always perfect..
Finally the D-day arrived.. :-(. When the doctor asked me to get admitted in the 32nd week.. Even though it was 32 weeks, the baby had the only the growth of 27 weeks.. She said that there is nothing they can do.. we will have to inject steroids so that the baby’s lungs develop and then operate and take it out.. (We didn’t know his gender then..) because the baby doesn’t have the strength to withstand a normal delivery! otherwise it might die in the womb itself.. and then ‘give a chance to the baby to live’! This is exactly the words they used.. The scans after the steroids showed that the baby has grown and is now suffocating in the little fluid and so needs to be taken out immediately..
What all they were saying was just going over my head.. I can’t believe this was happening to me.. I was in denial.. I didn’t understand what they were saying and like a helpless patient who had no other choice but to obey the doctor, I agreed to go under the knife.. The day was fixed on August 27, 2011, time 1PM.. I was silent and expressionless. I didn’t look at anyone’s faces.. a nurse came and put the urine thing which is usually done prior to any operation.. and it hurt.. I had a faint memory of my mother telling me not to worry everything will be alright.. Then the operation started and the baby was born at 2PM.. I heard his first cry!! The happiest moment ever! I remember the doctor’s words.. ‘it’s a boy, but he is so small’!! :-(. I was just trying to be glad that I just gave birth! I became a mother! It’s such heavenly feeling! and it’s a boy! She said that the baby needs to be taken to neo natal care unit and the pediatrician will take over from there!
The coming days were so traumatic.. I couldn’t see our child because I couldn’t get up from the bed.. but my hubby took photos of him and brought it to show me.. I was so happy seeing him! My baby! Maybe this is what is called the feeling of being a mother.. He looked normal! I remember I was actually happy though I found sadness in other’s faces.. I didn’t understand why and I asked them if there is anything wrong.. They said no.. maybe not to make me sad in this situation..
After 4 days or so I somehow tried to get up and walk because I was so longing to see my son.. I somehow went to the neo natal care unit and asked where my baby is.. and they showed me a tiny little one in the corner! I was so shocked and disappointed.. :-(. In the pics he appeared in normal size.. That is the problem with photos.. He was so wired and with tubes all around! I couldn’t watch him for a long time and I went back.. I remember lying on the bed and crying with everyone around.. and his father was saying don’t cry I need to learn to deal with these situations..
I didn’t want to go there often because it hurt to see him… but the mother’s call made me go there every time.. I remember my mother telling me not to go there often as there is children’s ward nearby with all disease viruses in the air.. and I might catch it.. Hmm.. So I was confused.. I remember each time I go inside the neo natal care I had to wash my hands with dettol till the elbows and wear another sandals kept outside.. What a way for a mother to see her child! I felt in those days that earth below my feet would crash and I would sink in it.. I couldn’t face by husband, because I could see the pain in his eyes..
Then the pediatrician started explaining the situation to us.. that the baby’s lungs have not developed.. so they are giving artificial respiration and all.. everything was going over my head and I didn’t want to hear what I was hearing.. I was again in denial..
Finally after 12 days of suffering, on September 8th, 2011 early morning at 3.30AM he went to God.. from all these misery.. He laid in my hands.. husband insisted it, though my father said she can’t handle it.. Those where the moments I literally wanted to commit suicide..
It is a natural tendency for humans to forget any traumatic situations.. That’s how we move on.. But unfortunately in this case no matter how traumatic it is, we should not forget it.. we have to keep remembering the baby deliberately.. the mistake I did in the past 3 years is that I was trying to forget it.. The more we try to forget it the more guilty we feel.. and we cannot have peace in our lives.. So we have to keep remembering him and live with it.. and praise God for it..
These are the bible words from Job’s gospel..
“I came into this world naked and I will go back too naked. What God gave he took back. Praise the Lord!”
His wife said, “Why do you still worship your God? Just curse him and kill yourself!”
Then he replied, “What foolishness are you talking? When God gives virtues you take it happily.. but when He gives vices why don’t accept it?”
Don, my baby, your mother will remember you forever..
I love these tips I found in a website babycenter.com.
- Holding a memorial service or gathering – large or small – at a place of worship, in a park, or at home
- Writing poetry or a story, published or unpublished
- Creating art for themselves or to share
- Creating music or a playlist
- Making a collage or memory box
- Planting a tree
- Releasing butterflies
- Putting statuary in a garden
- Etching the baby’s name on a stone and placing it outside
- Engraving the baby’s name on a brass plate and displaying it
- Wearing jewelry that contains a keepsake, like a lock of their baby’s hair
- Lighting a candle
- Celebrating Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15
- Putting up a picture in a dedicated space
- Making a donation to a charity in their child’s name
- Donating a book or some children’s clothing to a children’s charity in their community
When I hear these songs I remember you..
Enthu paranjalum nee entethalle vave..
Kannil vathil charathe..
Omana thinkal kidavo..
Oru kutta ponnundallo..